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March 19, 2005
Of life and death
Thursday was the memorial service for our dear and sorely missed friend, Jennifer. It was an intense day and even Friday all I wanted to do when I got home was to get into comfy sweats and lump in front of the tv.
Memorial services are really for the living. While the grieving and mourning will still continue as we all learn to live without this wonderful woman (who I would describe as Doris Day with a JD) the service brought a certain amount of closure at the end of a week of other worldliness.
I confess, sitting in the church near filled to capacity, the overflowing flowers at the front, large photos of her on easels and on some projection screens, I had a couple of moments of unreality myself -- I half expected (knowing Jen) to see her bursting from behind the curtains and throwing out her arms saying "Hey everyone! Laugh! It was all a joke!"
Then they started the service with "Danny Boy" and that was all it took.
Oh, there was quite a bit of laughter, as close friends and family members stood to relate some stories about Jen. Her sorority sister spoke how Jen, lover of travel, was always up for adventure "She was willing to go anywhere at anytime with you ... and she always brought snacks." Her best friend from high school stood to tell the tale of when they went to prom, and being all decked out in finery decided at the last moment to drive into Los Angeles for dinner to strut their stuff ... and he hadn't made reservations. He related how they ended up driving through a McDonalds and laughing themselves silly at the expression on the server's face. Her sister related several stories of how close they were, "us against the world, even sometimes our parents" but as typical teenaged girls they used to fight over the bathroom. Jen's only act of revenge was when she snuck into the bathroom and watered down her sister's prized Georgio perfume.
Stories overflowed. Jen made and kept friends close. As a trial lawyer she even had the admiration and utmost respect of defense counsel and judges (very much in attendance at the service ... our courthouse pretty much shut down).
Afterwards, there was a reception at one of our other DDA's homes in the area, yet another gathering we all agreed would be one Jen would have loved to attend. Yet, this gathering in her honor was really for us. To informally swap Jen-stories and try and find comfort in each other as move on with our lives.
And that's what it comes down to, doesn't it? Not our death or the manner of our dying but how we have lived in the time given us. We don't have any idea the length of our own life, whether or not that morning, after the coffee is poured and our teeth are brushed and we buckle ourselves into the car, whether we will make it to work or not. The question is not "why" but "how." What are we putting off because there's "always tomorrow?" Even as Jen was a meticulous planner for the future, she lived the now to its fullest, with a sweetness and grace too rare in this world. It is a fool's errand to grow bitter about what the future would be like if she were still here. It is a comfort to realize that her life goes on in the lessons she taught others in how to live in the short time she was with us.
Posted by Darleen at March 19, 2005 08:01 AM
Comments
Ugh. Darleen, Darleen, Darleen. What a day of grief and laughter it must have been.How is her husband? Her sister must be in utter shock. I could not survive without mine. Your last paragraph of this post is right on. It's hard to remember all the time we are on borrowed time. This event and the madness going on in Florida led me to write a public living/ethical will until I get my ass to an attorney to do it. I really want to the boys to know what I value most and what I wish for them. Life is so fragile and we always assume we'll have years to enjoy it, to tell those that we love all that know and feel for them. Thank you for taking the time to post about this loss. Peace to her family.
Posted by: Mieke at March 19, 2005 09:22 AM
- Every time I lose someone close to me, I'm always struck by the idea of how much I wish I'd said more when they were with us about how much I appriciated the things they did to make others happy. But then I remember that the very people who are decent and caring in that way seldom look for or expect praise. They tend to lull us to sleep with their loving ways and we take them fair too for granted. Peace go with her Darleen, and all the many friends we lose along lifes way. I'm sure they know how much they are loved....
Posted by: Big Bang Hunter at March 19, 2005 11:20 AM