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March 14, 2005

$75/hour for what Grandma gave for free ...

Yet another NYTimes article where as I'm reading about what some people think are problems and their search for solutions I'm filled with a bizarre emotional mixture of dismay and sadness. The tone of the article was foreshadowed by the title:

With Mayhem at Home, They Call a Parent Coach
A parent coach? Come on, people!
Parent coaching, the newest self-help approach for overstretched parents, is catching on for several reasons. It is cheaper than counseling, with many coaches charging $75 an hour and at least one Internet coaching service charging $30 a month. It is usually done by phone, letting parents squeeze in sessions without hiring baby sitters or taking time from work.
Well, it's not quite as self-indulgent as paying someone to rearrange the furniture for optimal Feng Shui, but, good god, it comes close. So just what mayhem are we talking here? Kids that are performing blood sacrifice of neighborhood pets under a full moon?

Uh. No.

On the sword-fight day, Ms. Levey was full of questions for her coach, Jennifer Mangan of Wheaton, Ill.

What should she do when Skylar resists doing chores? Should there be limits on how he spends his allowance? Should Forrest get dessert if he does not eat a healthy dinner?

And how should Ms. Levey deal with all that little-boy mayhem?

"There's a piece of grieving for me that I don't have girls," she told her coach. "For me, I'd be reading Laura Ingalls Wilder and drinking tea, and that's not what they are going to do."

Many parent coaches are quick to say - and to write into their contracts - that they are not experts in mental health and do not consider themselves therapists.

Reading the article one finds not disturbed or mentally ill kids that parents indeed should have in therapy. One reads tales of kids being :::horrors::: kids. Rambunctious, whining, physical, tantrum-throwing KIDS.
... it is capitalizing on the parental penchant for seeking secrets from pros - the tendency to call in the super nanny depicted on reality TV instead of calling your mother.
There you go. After decades of gender-feminists downgrading motherhood into "unskilled" and "unthinking" labor, we now have parents desperate for information from a "professional" rather than ringing up mom or grandma. Stay-at-home new moms used to network, exchanging tips on potty training, teething and how to handle tantrums. Someone always had a passed on family tactic or an older relative to call. Someone who would listen to the panicked parent and say "Dear, that's normal. I remember when li'l Winston was three and the way I handled it was ...."

I wish I could be shocked. I'm just wondering when the NYTimes will run an editorial demanding these "coaches" be a government "freebie."

I will tell you right now that I will offer my own experiences and possible advice on parenting to anyone that wants it. Here. For free. [Of course, I won't turn down a tip if my advice does the trick and you want to thank me!]

But consider me a Cyber Parent Coach and take that $75/hr and plan a nice family vacation to a place with open spaces and no tv.

I'll be back for my first advice a bit later.

Posted by Darleen at March 14, 2005 04:46 PM

Comments

I didn't read it as the NY Times advocating it, in fact, I detected a sneer of condescension as the reporter constantly belittled (and rightfully so) the "credentials" of such “experts” or coaches.
I find this parent coaching to be utter crap. Your point is a salient one- where are their parents, their friends, the elders? Is this because mothers and fathers work so much that they indulge their children in their limited time together because they don’t want to be the “bad guy”? I don’t understand parents like the ones described in the article; they seem to be morons. I live far away from my mother and sister but call them all the time for help with raising my boys. I have a fantastic network of friends here in Los Angeles that I can call any time for advice. Most importantly, I also have common sense, which these parents seem to be lacking. Those parents are so inept I have nothing but embarrassment for them.

Posted by: Mieke at March 14, 2005 08:11 PM

I usually have a good condescension detector, so if it was there, it was real subtle.

I think you've brought up a good point about not wanting to be "the bad guy." There has been this whole shift in the role of parents (some not all) to being more "friends" with their kids than "parents." But "friends" don't discipline. "Friends" don't make you eat your vegetables or do your homework or make your bed.

And I think the network of family and friends is something these parents seem unwilling to utilize. Too "old fashioned" I suppose.

It was really an infuriating article.

The thing I notice about your blog (and those of Yvonne and other moms) is that you ARE doing what stay-at-home moms did in their own neighborhoods ... gather together and exchange stories and advice.

Posted by: Darleen at March 14, 2005 09:47 PM

did you read my post about the RIE mothers at the park? These people profiled in The NY Times article remind me of those mothers.

Posted by: Mieke at March 15, 2005 12:11 PM

This would be funny if it weren't so depressing, kind of like watching "Cops" to make you feel good about yourself...

I find my daughter wants reassurance in about equal measure with advice, fwiw.

Posted by: Sal at March 15, 2005 06:20 PM

- Hey ... this could be a whole new career for Me...I could specialize in the Single Daddy raising the kids area, maybe write a book or two..."1001 ways to keep from strangling your kids - anger management for beleagured single parents" ... go on the beef and mash potatos speaking circuit ... talk shows... the whole nine yards ....

Posted by: Big Bang Hunter at March 16, 2005 05:03 PM

Boy are some of these comment opinionated

I don't have problems, but some do, and the fact is children are being brought up poorly, so I think parent coaching is a good thing for some.

Remember, some of us don't have that "free" advice.
My mother died at 44, 10 years ago. I'm only 32 and have two girls, 6 and 2 years of age, so I had to do it on my own. I also didn't have a grandmother to ask either.
My children behave fine and I'm not at whits end, but I'm not going to bash those that are. Especially the ones asking for help
kim

Posted by: kim at March 31, 2005 10:16 AM