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February 25, 2005
Fiction for a Friday night
It's been one of those days ... and as I was searching for another story I've written (sheesh, where did it go??) I ran across the one over the jump that I wrote when I was not in the best of moods. I used to suffer on and off from night terrors since I was a kid. I used one of them as the jumping off for this story:
It’s Waiting Under the Bed
I had the dream again.
It never feels like a dream when I'm in it. Oh, I recognize it and tell myself Relax, Jan, it's just a dream! But I can't wake up until it's over and by then I'm screaming.
I'm always in my parent's home. Which is strange in itself, because I haven't lived there for close on fifteen years. I'm upstairs in my old room and it looks just like it did when I was a teen. This is usually the first time I talk to myself, because I'm aware that after I got married my room was changed into a t.v. room. Jan, this is ridiculous. Just wake up! I reach out and touch the stuffed animals on my bed. I can feel the plush fur and the cold of the button eyes. I can smell the strawberry incense I used to burn and I notice that the arrangement of candles on my dresser; vanilla, bayberry, evergreen, are in need of dusting. I can hear the wind moaning under the eaves and the branches of the liquidambar tick-tapping at my window.
It is early morning, when the pearly gray steals away the darkness just enough to reveal that the nighttime crouching creature is just an ottoman heaped with clothes. The darkness gives up reluctantly, everything seems smudged. A three dimensional Impressionist painting. I catch sight of myself in my dresser mirror. I'm wearing a nightgown; thin straps over shoulders and crossing low over my bare back, skimming my hips and flowing just above my ankles in a swirl of silk the color of heavy cream. My face looks alien; my hair mussed and loose, framing a face where my eyes are dark pits in a pale oval. I need to escape that face.
I turn quickly and the first wave of panic washes over me. My closet door is open. No, not all the way. That would just reveal clothes hanging and rows of shoes and boots. Safe. No, the closet is open a few inches and in that space is darkness black enough to conceal a whole universe.
I try to cross quickly out of the room and stumble near the closet. It's like a wind, icy cold, is blowing into that black space. A corner of my nightgown slips into the space and I cannot see it! I lean with all my might, knowing any minute the nightgown is going to shred off me. Blood roars in my ears, I open my mouth to scream and I'm suddenly free, falling out of the room onto the landing.
Relief floods over me. I reach out and grab the banister and steady myself. I need to get downstairs, away from my room. A cup of coffee to steady my nerves. I start down, a lightness to my step as I get further away from the room. Should I fix myself a full breakfast? Or just toast? Through the living room and into the kitchen.
The voice stops me. It's soft. It surrounds me, penetrates, I hear it in my ears, in my mind.
"I've found you."
Like a rip in the fabric of space, a column of blackness, man shaped, in front of me. I feel paralysis, numbing cold, race up my legs and swirl in ever tightening bands across my chest. I cannot close my eyes but stare as a face is revealed. Burning amber eyes, a smile of glittering teeth. He starts to reach for me. Like a cape, blackness falls from his outstretched arms, rippling and endless. His hands are cold on my shoulders as they slide to my back, drawing me closer. I'm not breathing, slipping towards the blackness, knowing when I fall, I will fall forever with only the constellation of his teeth as companion.
I woke up with a scream so enormous it ripped at my throat and I was immediately hoarse. I threw back the covers and swung my legs over the side.
And snatched them back as fast as I could. Looking for my slippers I saw the dust ruffle move. A tentacle of blackness slipped along the floor and then withdrew. It could have been just the shadow cast by my leg. . .but, I wasn't taking any chances. I glanced at the clock. 3:30 in a soft red glow. I huddled in the middle of my bed, arms around my knees and waited for dawn.
**********
"God, Jan, you look like hell," Tom said.
"Just a touch of insomnia," I looked up at my boss, "Thank you for the compliment." I could just see the look on his face if I explained I had a nightmare and wouldn't go back to sleep because I was afraid of whatever was under the bed.
Yeah, right. Hello, unemployment.
Of course, maybe that wouldn't be so bad. I couldn't stand my job. I started working for Omoni Technology right after my divorce. One of two secretaries on a floor full of engineers. I was only going to stay here until I got on my feet and figured out what I wanted to do. Eight months, maybe a year.
That was four years ago.
"Have you tried warm milk? How about herbal tea and a warm bath?"
I resisted an urge to close my eyes and let my head fall on my keyboard, "Thanks, Tom, I'll give them a try." It was about the 6 millionth time I had heard the exact same suggestions.
Tom smiled at me and went away pleased. I was just glad he went away. I started back on my reports when the phone rang.
"This is Jan Newman," I said.
"Hey, mom!"
"Hey, Matthew!" now here was a bright spot in my day. The one success of my marriage was an adorable son all of 13, "What gives, kiddo? I miss your ugly mug."
He giggled and my heart raced, "I love you, too, mom. Dad wants to take me on a houseboat vacation when school's out."
My heart sank. A couple years ago Matt had decided to live with his dad. I still saw Matt regularly and talked by phone with him almost everyday. I was looking forward to time with him during the summer. Now, this. Typical.
"Sounds okay with me, sport," I gritted my teeth.
Matt wasn't stupid, "Listen, it's only seven weeks. I'll call and write. And I'll come be with you before school starts again. Promise."
"I know, love. Listen, have your dad call me tonight with the details."
"Love you, Mom!"
"Love you, too. I gotta get back to work. Bye."
I got up and went to go get a cup of coffee. I decided to splurge on three sugars in it and ran into Stacey. Could my day get any worse?
"Good morning, Stacey," I hoped I stretched my lips in a good imitation of a smile.
She stood back, stirred her coffee and looked me over. She was the other secretary on the floor and felt she was in competition with me over any available male in the department.
"Hello, Jan. Been burning the candle at both ends?"
"Nope, just a little insomnia."
"Too bad."
I didn't have to worry about her offering any suggestions. If I came to work looking like hell, all the better for her. She was one of the main reasons I didn't date from work. Stacey had started about six months after me. I thought we might become friends. We went to lunch, took breaks together. I showed her the ropes and introduced her around. I was always told I was an attractive woman. Stacey was flash. Sparkling blonde hair, lacquered nails, bright blue eyes and expensive dresses that clung in all the right places. But she was friendly and eager to learn.
I had been dating Cliff, a manager from another department two floors up for about three months when Stacey had been with us one month. Matt was going to spend the weekend with me and I asked Stacey if she wanted to come for dinner with us. Cliff was going to be there, too. She begged off and I thought nothing of it. Until Cliff called to cancel, too.
A few days later he called to say we needed to talk.
Uh, oh.
I was sweet, you see. And kind. And attractive. And anybody would love to be with me. I was a nice person.
"And I don't think I'm ready for an exclusive relationship," Cliff said. He wouldn't look me in the eye. Kiss of death.
Two weeks later and I hadn't heard so much as a peep from Cliff. I don't know what sixth sense alerted me, but I looked up to see Cliff on my floor talking with my boss when Stacey walked by them. She stopped and exchanged a quick word with Cliff. It wasn't that she did anything overt, but her hand on his arm lingered just a bit too long, and she leaned in just a little too close to whisper in his ear. As she left, she looked directly at me with a self-satisfied smile.
That night I had the nightmare.
Twice more I dated someone from work. And got the "you're so nice, but" speech within two months. I soon found out that Stacey began dating them right after me. She kept them for about three months and then dumped them.
She also had the annoying habit of trying to chase away from me any male friend. When we were friends I made the mistake of telling her my birthday. And while we looked like we were the same age, I was twelve years her senior and she loved to work it into any conversation.
"Hi, Steve. Hi, Jan. Can I join you for break? Jan, that's a great color for you! Doesn't she look good, Steve? Can you believe she's twelve years OLDER than me?"
I want to rip every expensively dyed blonde hair from her head.
**********
I hung up the phone after a very unsatisfactory conversation with Matt's dad. I looked at the time. 10:30. Somehow, I had to try and get some sleep. I had taken a warm bath. I sipped at a cup of herbal tea. I could even feel fatigue weighing at my shoulders. But I couldn't get my eyes to close.
"Here, Tribble, here, kitty," I reached down and picked up my cat. A huge ball of smoke gray fluff, I nuzzled his neck and cradled him in my arms, "What say we go to bed, hmmmm?"
I walked across my apartment, down the hall past Matt's room and almost got to mine when Tribble tried to claw me.
He wasn't really trying to get me. He just wanted down, NOW. And I was in the way. He went hissing and spitting down the hall to the kitchen.
"Thanks a lot, cat," I looked at a scratch on the back of my hand oozing beads of blood, "I hope I've got some bandages in my bathroom."
I started into my room and stopped. I was awake. I knew I was awake. Just under the dust ruffle, a tendril of blackness. Too black to be a mere shadow. It slid further out and raised up like a hand waving to me.
My vision started to close down and it felt like I was falling backwards in slow motion.
**********
"Jan, I want you to meet Christopher Hall," Tom said, "He's a new engineer in our department. Chris, this is Jan. She's one of the most dependable people here."
At least he didn't say "nice". My nerves couldn't take it. I reached out and shook Chris's hand, smiled into his eyes and was lost.
Oh, no. I couldn't do this again. I smiled at him, trying not to notice the way his dark eyes sparkled or the faint laugh lines around his eyes. Or his dimples. Or the way one shock of dark hair fell forward onto his forehead.
Get a hold of yourself, Jan!
What is it they say about sharks being able to smell one drop of blood for miles around? I suddenly noticed Stacey about ten feet away, watching us carefully, eyes narrowed. Oh, God, she knew.
**********
I went into my bedroom during the day. But I was sleeping in Matt's room at night. It was the only way I was getting any sleep. Over the last couple weeks I would check my room at night. The darkness was spreading. It now looked like a head and shoulder emerging from under the dust ruffle. And it continued to wave. Two nights ago I swear I could hear it whispering.
I don't think I'm going to check much anymore.
**********
I took the risk and started dating Chris. My heart acted like a high strung race horse every time I was near him. I did everything I could to maintain my cool. We talked endlessly over coffee, fingertips playing. We held hands walking through the park on a Sunday morning. A few stolen kisses in the parking lot before we each went our separate ways home.
It wasn't easy. He was the first man in a long time I wanted to make love with. Desperately.
And I missed Matt. Oh, I was getting smudged postcards and crumpled letters regaling me with his adventures on the river. A modern Huck Finn. He was due home in two weeks and I couldn't wait. Of course, I'll be sleeping on the couch when he visits. I still couldn't go into my room at night.
Chris had just left my desk after we made our lunch plans when the phone rang.
"Hey, mom!"
"Matt, sweety! How'd I rate a phone call? I just got your last letter. It had enough chocolate on it to make me gain a pound."
"Naw. Not that much," there was a silence and I knew something I didn't like was coming, "Mom?"
"I'm here, Matt. What's up?" I had to remind myself to breathe.
"Look, while we've been up here dad's taken me to see some prep schools. And I kinda like one of them."
God save us. Prep school. Living away from home. The lights in the office seemed to dim.
"What do you mean by 'kinda'? Don't you want to talk it over with me before you make a decision?"
Silence greeted me and I knew it was a fait accompli.
"Matt. When do classes start?"
"Oh, mom, you're so cool! Their fall term starts early, in about three weeks."
"Matt! When am I going to see you?"
"Um. I dunno. When I get settled, I can come home for the weekend."
"Matt. Is your father there?"
"Mom, dad said he'd call you later tonight. We gotta go now. Bye."
I slammed down the receiver and squeezed my eyes shut trying not to cry. I opened them to see Stacey watching me.
Blood in the water.
**********
The grocery parking lot was well lit with those halogen lights that make chrome sparkle and cast funny shadows. I fumbled for my keys, balancing a bag on my left hip. I pulled the car door open and banged my shin. Hadn't I been through enough today? I sat down heavily behind the wheel, dropping the bag on the seat next to me. I let my head rest against the wheel and let the tears I denied earlier come. I gripped the wheel, sobbing, feeling like my insides were being ripped out. I was only vaguely aware that my door was still open and my left foot was outside on the pavement.
Did someone turn on a hose? My left foot was suddenly cold, like it had been dipped into a pool of ice water. I sat up, wiping my eyes. I turned, looked out of the car and felt my heart freeze.
I was still dressed for work, skirt and pumps. I could see my leg from knee to about mid-calf. And I could see the tip of my shoe. But the rest was gone. Disappeared into the bottomless blackness oozing from under the car and wrapped around my leg. I couldn't move. I waited. Would I be pulled under the car? Where does it lead? If I could only scream. I could barely breathe and my vision started to cloud.
Suddenly, the dark began to withdraw. But not before a hand formed and softly caressed my leg. A whisper, "Soon."
**********
Now that the dark seemed to be on the move, small wonder I wasn't sleeping much again. My only lifeline seemed to be the times I shared with Chris. I felt safe with his arms around me. I just kept wondering when he'd make a suggestion. When would we make love? I needed him so. I even began to plan, just in case. I had bought a beautiful new negligee, wrapped in pink tissue tucked away in the top drawer of my dresser.
"Jan?"
"Hmm?" I looked up and felt blood rushing to my cheeks. I had been visualizing Chris slowly removing my negligee and making love to me and here he was standing at my desk.
"Jan, are you free for lunch? Is there anything wrong?"
"No, no," I put a hand to my cheek, it was burning. "Lunch? Great! Let me grab my purse." And grab a cold shower! I thought.
I reached out across the table for his hand and he reached for his napkin and fiddled with his silverware. Chris played with his salad and kept looking every where but at me.
Oh, crap. I knew this routine. I put down my fork. No food would get by the lump that was forming in my throat.
"Jan, I know we've been seeing each other for a couple of months. And I have lots of fun with you. But. . . "
I slammed my hand on the table and Chris jumped. He looked straight at me that time, "But what, Chris? We don't fight. We do have good times. What's the problem? My divorce? My kid? What?"
"Nothing like that, Jan. You're real nice . . ."
I screamed and all conversation in the restaurant stopped. I jumped to my feet, dumping most of my lunch on Chris. All I could see were eyes; dozens of pairs of eyes. Shocked. Wary. Disgusted. Not good for a "nice" girl like me.
I fled.
I didn't think I could make it through the rest of the day at work. I only went back for my coat and dayplanner. I wish I hadn't.
Chris was standing near the copier talking with Stacey. He didn't see me, but she did. I guess he was explaining the stains on his clothes, gesturing with his arms and making a good imitation of my scream. Stacey glanced at me to make sure I was watching. She leaned close to Chris, cooing sympathetically. Her lacquered fingernails played with the buttons on his shirt. Then she let her hand dip, letting her fingers play with his belt buckle. And he didn't stop her. And I suddenly knew. Suddenly realized what had happened. Happened while I waited, and dreamed of making love.
I tried to leave with dignity, even though it was only an act.
**********
I looked at myself in the mirror in Matt's room. I realized the gown I bought to wear for Chris was almost exactly like the one from my dreams. The cream colored silk skimmed over my body and fell just above my ankles. Crying had smeared my makeup and my eyes had disappeared into dark pits, my face pale, hair a dark, mussed frame. I turned to walk to my room.
This was no dream. I was awake. And this was my fate.
No longer a tendril from under the bed. A man. A man made of darkness stood next to my bed. Waiting.
He stepped closer, whispering, "I've found you."
This time I didn't scream. I felt hollow, a shell that would blow away in the slightest breeze.
"I don't understand."
He chuckled, teeth flashing against the darkness, "I have searched for you. Across that which has no time. I have watched. I have waited. I've only allowed myself the pleasure of you in your dreams." He reached out and caressed my cheek. The cold didn't bother me now.
"There's nothing special about me. Don't you know, I'm just a 'nice' girl."
He threw back his head and laughed. Deep, rich bass sounds that wrapped themselves around me. I noticed he did have a face. High cheekbones, full, rich lips.
"Yes!" he said, "You are now seeing me. And you will remember me." He tapped my forehead, "Soon."
My thoughts suddenly revolved around Chris and Stacey and my ex-husband and my deadend job.
"But the pain!" I sobbed.
"You have to want to come to me," his hands moved from my shoulders down my bare back and he started to draw me close. "You were never meant for these people." His eyes shown like twin suns, "Eternity was yours and shall be again. With me."
Why had I thought of cold? His lips were warm and soft as silk. The arms that held me were strong. He pulled back from the kiss and smiled at me and the cape of darkness that flowed around him billowed and I could see galaxies expanding and contracting in its depths.
"Yes!" I held out my arms and fell forward.
**********
Posted by Darleen at February 25, 2005 05:50 PM
Comments
- "Riveting...A new star shines bright in the suspenceful prose gendre'..." - Smoking Gun review
Posted by: Big Bang Hunter at February 26, 2005 11:24 AM