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December 09, 2004


Oh, cool, as always I'm the last one to get the cold my family has been so generous to pass around. And I can't take the day off because my partner is off this week... So here I sit, with a handful of Vit C and a cup o'coffee with no more - ahem - weightier thought on my mind than boobs.

I was at the gym at lunch yesterday (yea! second week and I'm still with it!) and noticed this woman from the day before. I really don't know how anyone could not notice her. She was petite, probably all of 5'1" or 5'2" wearing tight exercise pants that more resembled cycler pants, bare midriff and two layered cropped sports tops. She had the very deep and even tan of a tanning bed, with long dark hair with an expensive weave pulled up with various clips. Her makeup was expertly applied. In street clothes she probably wore a size 0 jeans; however, it appeared she was working out after she had shoved two casaba melons into those sports bras. Come on! Some sort of physics was being defied as she was working out with free weights and wasn't toppling forward. She could do the backstroke in the gym pool and never worry about drowning.

Exotic dancer or trophy wife, some surgeon somewhere made a nice tidy sum on those tits.

As a woman who has always been on the plus side of the boob column since 6th grade (and who, at 5'8" spent jr. high years knowing that any boy who talked to me never knew the color of my eyes) I really don't understand why any woman would purposely pay to put herself so out of proportion (oooo...almost an alliteration!). Sure it draws attention and definitely the attention of men and that brings up another question.

Why do many of you guys like the fake ones? I mean, you know they're fake ... they don't look or move like the real ones. As Jack Lemmon said in Some Like It Hot "It's gotta be jelly, 'cause jam don't move like that." Or my husband, a 'natural' advocate, has explained his taste in typical electronics geek fashion pointing out there is a mathematical formula that exactly predicts the oscilation rate of a natural boob wobble.

Natural or fake? Proportional or Jessica Rabbit?


Posted by Darleen at December 9, 2004 06:20 AM


Oh, Lord. There's no more difficult topic to talk about than boobies. Because I've got all these really well-thought-out opinions about them, but as soon as you actually show me a pair, that part of my brain goes on indefinite hiatus.

As a rule, natural is better than fake. The best fake boobs can't, in my opinion, hold a candle to average natural ones. But here's the thing … and this is the part where I always start tripping over my words.

Some boobs are just … um … okay. Well, they're just not that pretty.

I tend to prefer average or below-average ones, in terms of volume. I'm more attracted to a nice B-cup than I am to something the size of a grapefruit. While big ones can look awfully good in clothing, remove the supporting undergarments and the wheels tend to come off the bus, you know?

But all this stuff, all this talk … it's irrelevant. It doesn't matter at all. Because I'm way more interested in the person to which the boobies are attached than I am in the boobies themselves.

It's also irrelevant because the odds of my ever getting next to an actual pair, real or fake, again without there being some kind of transaction involved have to be figured on a calculator. One of those expensive scientific ones with two hundred buttons and a screen the size of a business card.

Posted by: Jeff Harrell at December 9, 2004 08:04 AM

Ditto. Pretty much all of it, in fact.

Posted by: Erik J. Barzeski at December 9, 2004 09:04 AM

I regard it as similar to the old adage, "There's no such thing as bad sex."

Some are definitely better than others, but for those of us who are mammary-obsessed, obvious breasts (covered or uncovered) are just...well, they're just the tits!

Posted by: Boyd at December 9, 2004 09:25 AM

Easier point first: Jeff, don't be so negative; have a scotch and a cigar, and then we'll talk, capisce?

Now... Boobs. I'll use the politer of the two sayings: More'n a handful is a waste. I'm sure the "extra" could be useful for some things, and too small is... well, shouldn't there be a little more? But outside of the B/C arena, why? Proportional is good; I never understood the fixation on one body part as opposed to the body as a whole. What looks good on one might not look so good on another; it's individual.

All that said, I agree with Jeff - the "owner" (? is that a good way to put it?) of the pair is infinitely much more important that the pair themselves. I'm sure that you could, after much searching, find the most geometric and asthetically pleasing pair of boobies, though there's no guarantee whatsoever that who they're attached to is pleasing (in the interpersonal, intellectual, attitudinally, etc. sense) as well.


Posted by: Lysander at December 9, 2004 09:41 AM

I've seen small (the ex) and I've seen them large (the fiancee). Truth be told, I like 'em large, although I don't have a predisposition for a particular size.

Jessica Rabbit, on the other hand...mmmm. Proof positive that it's not your assets, it how you USE them. :)

Posted by: DC at December 9, 2004 09:41 AM

Size: Don't care

Fake/Real: Nothing but all natural. Get those fake things outta my face.

Posted by: Captain Ned at December 9, 2004 11:20 AM

Finally! Something I know something about....

I've lived in Dallas most of my life, and let me tell you, this is the Kingdom of Enhancement. And it's awful!

Fake boobs are so obvious. First of all, you see a 5-4, 115-pound woman sporting 36Cs or Ds....that just doesn't happen that often in nature. (Nor should it.) But here, it's commonplace. And they are gravity-defying, which is interesting for a short time, but....weird in the long haul. Can you imagine when these women turn 60? Are they still gonna be built like that?

Plus, they don't feel right. They're overly firm. In sum, a lot better to see in a magazine than to see up close and personal. And that's part of the problem. The American male has been conditioned to see the "Playboy" style pert boob...but the reality is just as unsettling as the air-brushing of the skin flaws.

34b is the perfect breast size, because as the poster alluded earlier, too much of a good thing is still too much. Huge breasts have to be incredibly uncomfortable to lug around!

Posted by: Bruce at December 9, 2004 12:05 PM

As a wise man once said...If you can touch 'em, they're real...

Okay, now to be serious. Jeff, amen brother! Guys can hypothesize and philosophize about both the proper size and composition of boobies. But truth be told - when it comes down to it, when we encounter a pair of ta-ta's, "secondary brain" (or primary - depending on who you ask) kicks in and the salivation and incoherent mumbling begin.

Personally, I married my wife because I find her intriguing, encouraging, and downright sexy. Her larger than average bust is a welcome, but not necessary advantage.

Posted by: Brandon at December 9, 2004 01:36 PM

I imagine tennis players like fake breasts because they are used to squeezing tennis balls. Sure, they looked great naked, but it did feel a little weird.

One of my buddies' wives just got fakies, and while she looks more sexual I wouldn't necessarily say she looks better. And in my snobby opinion, she coulda spent the money on a different cosmetic surgery and gotten a lot more bang for her buck.

34/36 B/C is just right.

Posted by: Jinn at December 9, 2004 01:53 PM

The only hard and fast rule I have for boob preference is that I think the absolute best ones are those to which I have gained access rights. (This sort of follows the number one trait in women that I look for being low standards) As far as looking at them, I don't even understand how women can be in a locker room and not be totally agog and simply stay in there forever. I mean, what on Earth would ever make you leave?

Posted by: Tony Brusletten at December 9, 2004 03:20 PM

I mean, what on Earth would ever make you leave?

The same thing that makes you leave the men's locker room.

Posted by: Ruth at December 9, 2004 05:09 PM

Ruth, but men don't HAVE boobs, at least not pleasant ones to look at.

Posted by: Tony Brusletten at December 9, 2004 06:43 PM

- I suspect this particular "expansionist program" got started with the aggregation of an original small group of under developed ladies with a real need, a overly active condition of some peoples "vanity" organ, and skin Docs who like to drive Porsche's....

- Al neutre'al for this guy, hands down, hands up, or anywhere I'm invited to put them....

- Gives a whole new meaning to the psalms wherein ..."My cuppeth runneth over...."....

Posted by: Hunter at December 9, 2004 09:05 PM

There is no pleasure in squeezing 2 plastic bags filled with seawater or silicon, no joy in being poked by 2 boobs that in compression are as hard as baseballs.

Men dont buy these things, women do - usually against the advice of their male friends becuz women are obsessed with size.

Posted by: solly at December 9, 2004 09:23 PM

I prefer real - size doesn't matter to me a bit since it's who they're attached to that's the interesting part.

As the song goes, "Silicone parts are made for toys."

Posted by: wg at December 10, 2004 10:35 AM

I think women especially younger women should start going topless.They cannot arrest everyone and breast are an object of beauty.In the 1800's and early 1900's even men had to cover their breast.In art throught the ages female breast were always concidered a thing of femin beauty and in different periods of history it was concidered just fine to bare breast one or both.Look at all the nude statues placed in even smaller cities honering nakedness.Look,but don't imitate."double standered" YES ! To be acceptal again women must be brave enought to be willing to bare their womaness. "Show your breast" and I do't mean flashing,but start in gyms,beaches,night clubs and eventually everywhere.It is your right,breast are not ment to be sexual objects,but just the being of woman.

Posted by: dennis at April 12, 2005 04:52 AM

well, i have to say being a girl that has fixated very often on the size of my own, it did make me laugh a few of the comments on here. I am a proud size 34 b, and oftem think im too flat chested. However, i think that size is not a statement about how beautiful you are - you dont need huge boobs to be attractive, just a good personality! Look at all those beautiful celebrities an models...mischa barton, kate moss, natalie portman. And plus, we can carry off little tops waay better that huuge girlies, wihtout feeling a little bit insecure, as wel as fillets, gel bras etc. I have the best of both worlds! Kath x

Posted by: kathy at August 3, 2005 10:17 AM