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November 14, 2004
Sunday morning coffee ramblings
Goodness, the Santa Ana winds kicked up in the wee hours. I wander down the stairs, bleary-eyed, looking for the first cup of coffee and stare out the window at leaves, branches and small woodland creatures flying by.... ;-)
Not that this surprises me at all, I was born in Los Angeles and grew up in Southern California. While east-coasters wax beautifully about the change of seasons ... from fall's riotous-colored leaves to winter's sparkling white accented with twinkling holiday lights ... I grew up with the much more subtle seasons of California: fire, mud, smog and earthquake.
Hey, I live here! I'm allowed to poke fun!!
Actually we do have seasons and the fall/winter is one I love. The Santa Anas are more a spring/fall phenom, very strong winds from the north east out of the high desert, slipping down and gaining speed through the mountain canyons and passes to blast across the LA basin. They scrub the air clean, even as they dump over my patio plants and the my front yard fills with the leaves from my neighbors' trees. However, you can look to the surrounding mountains and practically count the trees on the summits on a day like today. Tonight, when it gets cold, I'll be able to go outside and revel in the tangy smell of smoke from fireplaces as we all look forward to the holiday season.
As I get older I realize my feelings about the holidays are more mixed. As a kid, of course, I was one emotional frenzy of trying to will the days from Halloween to Thanksgiving to Christmas to go faster, please! As an adult, I want them to slow down, I'm not ready yet!. And each holiday now has some bitter with the sweet. The grandparents who are no longer with us, the parents who are one year closer to not being with us, the children grown, the friends we've lost touch with ... And the expectations, too. Will we spend too much, will we spend enough? Will everyone be happy? Will anyone go home disappointed?
Lordy, how I sometimes wish to be eleven again! Gift giving was deciding how to strech your $1 a week allowance (hey, I'm talking 1965 here, that was nice money if you get it. I bought my treasured Man from U.N.C.L.E. paperback books brand new for 50 cents!). I could browse through J.J. Newberry's and buy something new or pick up things to actually make presents for everyone. I'd start saving up at Halloween and if I could resist buying any books I'd have a tidy sum burning a hole in my pocket.
Heck, I remember when I got my first real job. I was sixteen and worked at Buena Park Florist and earned $1.65/hr .. which was a heady amount since prior to that I got 50 cents an hour for babysitting. I went nuts that Christmas spending something on the order of $50-60. I was so proud to do that.
It's not so easy now. It's not just me being able to blow a paycheck or two on gift giving, because there are so many other bills to pay and unbudgeted expenses that crop up and an ex-husband who has been a deadbeat for several years.
I don't like the bitterness I feel at this time of year ... of not being able to afford what I would like to give. I've wrestled with it and beaten it before, resolving to put on a great dinner and having a nice visiting time with family and friends who drop in, really putting a lot of thought into modest gifts and remembering such past Christmas's have been just as happy and memorable even if I haven't flooded the treeskirt with expensive geegaws.
I guess this is just a part of growing up, to tame the impulses with rationality and to actually try and focus on what I find most enjoyable and most important about the holidays. I hope, too, in how I'm handling these situations that I also help teach my own children how to make stone soup.
Posted by Darleen at November 14, 2004 09:04 AM